Idiots Guide To Intangibles

Idiots Guide To Intangibles

Without question my favorite word in the common sports analyst’s diction is ‘intangible’.

Intangible, adj.

1. Incapable of being perceived by the senses.
2. Incapable of being realized or defined.
3. Incorporeal.

In sports, intangibles are generally used to describe an athlete’s contribution to their team that isn’t reflected in the box score (Thus, mostly falling under definition #2 from above), and primarily only applied when referencing mediocre players in an effort to make them sound more appealing. e.g. “This ball club really succeeds because of the intangibles that this guy brings to the table”. This of course is a contradictory sentence because by definition #3 intangibles are literally not tangible and thus nobody can bring them anywhere.

Baseball

The term is probably used in baseball more often than any of the other 4 major American sports. Since baseball is such a stats-driven sport it is actually interesting to attribute a player with something that manages not to show up in a box score. Baseball intangibles include: taking out defenders to prevent double-plays, knocking down wild pitches, and getting a free pass to first base by being hit by a pitch. The last one is critical; every time a player is hit by a pitch the broadcaster will say something along the lines of “those are the little things that this guy does that don’t show up in the box score”. Since being hit by pitches appears to be such a vital part of this elusive set of qualities it’s no surprise that most players deemed to possess ‘intangibles’ are injury prone and often slightly retarded. The one clear exception here is Chase Utley a.k.a. Mr. Intangibles (seen here wearing his intangibles on his sleeves). Chase manages to fill the box score and exhibit a wide array of intangibles. I’d like to describe these in further detail but by definition #1 they are incapable of being perceived by the senses. If you watch him play, however, you know they’re there. In a related aside: there are players that possess no intangibles at all, in fact they are much worse than what is reflected in the box score. (See the article “How To Hit .295 On The 3rd Best Offense In Baseball And Still Be A Completely Useless Douche”).

Basketball

In basketball intangibles are almost exclusively mentioned when talking about defense. A fantastic example of a player exhibiting ‘defensive intangibles’ is former president of the NBA players union and current Detroit Pistons coach Michael Curry. It is rare that anyone talks about Michael Curry’s playing career. It is even rarer that someone talks about Michael Curry’s playing career without the first words out of their mouth being ‘He had defensive intangibles’. It is evident that whatever Mr. Curry did on defense certainly did not show up in the box score. His career high steals per game for a season was .8 and career high blocks per game for a season was .2 and as these are the two main defensive stat categories, it is safe to say that his defensive presence was certainly not tangible. He did however show up literally every day (much to the dismay of his local fans), playing in all 82 regular season games in the 1997-1998 season and all 50 regular season games in the strike-shortened 1998-1999 season. Blue collar work ethic = Intangibles.

Football

Due to the extreme specialization of position responsibilities in football there is a long list of things that could possibly qualify as intangibles: the ability to recognize quickly whether a play is a run or pass, getting off your block quickly, selling the play-action, etc. My favorite football intangible that you hear at least once during every football game is ‘escapability’. I find this one particularly amusing because ‘escapability’ isn’t even a real word. Of course it is supposed to mean that the player possesses the ability to escape, but that was apparently too much of a mouthful to say so it was shortened.

Escapability, -n.

1. The quality of not being able to be tackled because you aren’t tangible.

Players who exhibited the intangible of ‘escapability’ include Donovan McNabb, Barry Sanders, and Bobby Douglass (who set a QB rushing record of 968 yards on the season in 1972 which stood for over 30 years until Michael Vick broke it). Vick was also once heralded for his ‘escapability’. Unforunately, “Ookie” got sacked by a very tangible 5 year prison sentence for illegal dog-fighting and general douchery. He will immediately spring back to the top of the list if his ‘escapability’ can break him out of the joint.

Hockey

Intangibles are by their very nature difficult to gauge. This is not evident in any sport more than Hockey. Since there is very little of interest you can put into a box score in hockey outside of goals, assists, and goalie stats, it is hard to come up with qualities to gauge for this attribute (for Christ sake they include individual penalties in minutes, and individual +/- to box scores). From the definitions laid out above it would then appear that everyone in the NHL either does nothing at all or they all bring intangibles to the game. Since it is a professional sport I’d like to think that the latter is true and thus the whole league is made out of water vapor as per definition #3. The only player that springs to mind when ‘intangibles’ and hockey appear in the same sentence is Nicklaus Lidstrom (I love this picture because the implication is that you better be in or Nick is going to hurt you and you'll deserve it). Lidstrom, the ageless wonder who has been honored as the leagues top defender since the beginning of time, continues to be considered by hockey experts the best player on the ice nearly every time he skates despite the fact he doesn’t score or even shoot much. Our hats are off to you sir.

Practical Application

Since ‘intangibles’ have such a glorifying effect on professional athletes I have begun applying the word in my own life for self-promotion. Here are some suggestions on how to improve your own intangibles and use them to your advantage in every day life:

1. Every day come up with something you want to get done and see if you can make it happen without actually doing it yourself (e.g. take out the trash or clean up your own vomit off the floor of your bathroom). This is the best way to exercise intangibles and lose all your friends/roommates. As a bonus exercise if you make your friends/roommates so mad at you that they resort to physical violence you can also practice your ‘escapability’ here.

2. When picking up a guy/girl at a bar/sports card convention/public bathroom just casually work into the conversation that you do in fact possess a rather impressive set of intangibles. (e.g. “Hey, my name is The Aryan, I’m not tangible. What’s your name?”). They will be intrigued and probably take interest in you immediately. This additionally hedges your bets in case you are a huge disappointment (which, lets face it, you probably are). You can tell them they are expecting you to stuff the (very loosely) metaphorical stat sheet when you told them up front you contribute in other ways.

3. When people catch you not doing anything at work tell them that it’s true you aren’t presently contributing to the box score but your intangibles are still helping the team reach the bottom line. Let them puzzle that one out.

4. On your next job interview tell them that you bring “leadership, determination, and other intangibles” to the workplace with you on a daily basis (Along with bringing a Chase Utley and/or Nick Lidstrom card in your wallet/purse). Not only will you get hired but you will in all likelihood get a sizable signing bonus and immediately be scouted by the Yankees and Red Sox.

So go out there and break up a double play, rotate quickly on defense, and errrr….play hockey. People will be calling you Mr. Intangibles in no time.

-The Aryan